The Manhunt
by casfics
Summary: After Iain's return from war, Lily is left to pick up the pieces and glue them together in an attempt to rediscover the man who got lost out there. (Triggers of PTSD/conflict)
1. chapter 1

_After the first phase, after passionate nights and intimate days,_

 _only then would he let me trace the frozen river which ran through his face,_

 _only then would he let me explore the blown hinge of his lower jaw,_

 _and handle and hold the damaged, porcelain collar-bone,_

 _and mind and attend the fractured rudder of shoulder-blade,_

 _and finger and thumb the parachute silk of his punctured lung._

 _Only then could I bind the struts and climb the rungs of his broken ribs,_

 _and feel the hurt of his grazed heart._

 _Skirting along, only then could I picture the scan,_

 _the foetus of metal beneath his chest where the bullet had finally come to rest._

 _Then I widened the search, traced the scarring back to its source_

 _to a sweating, unexploded mine buried deep in his mind, around which_

 _every nerve in his body had tightened and closed. Then, and only then, did I come close._

 _(c. Simon Armitage)_

 _-x-_

Ten months. Ten, measly months. But it felt like a lifetime.

Lily lingered by the doors. She picked at the hangnail on her thumb, numbly unaware of the pain she was inflicting upon herself by doing so. Like minded people seemed to be assembling, anxiously keen. They too shared the familiar dark shadows under sunken eyes, bent over by the weight of something not visible by the eye.

Other travellers bustled about, knocking into the statues that waited alongside her by the door. She observed this as it happened. There was a distinct lack of care; people just seemed completely unbothered and wrapped up in their own lives. Noticing the darkening, she turned round to see black clouds hanging overhead, threatening the sort of rain that didn't stop for hours. It could affect landing. She picked harder at her thumb, causing it to bleed.

After what felt like forever, announcements echoed down the loud speaker. A string of digits, though spoken robotically, comforted her. That was _his_ flight. It had landed. He was home. He was coming.

-x-

In the haste of the moment, she'd forgotten to take in their reactions, how it felt. The greeting was almost animalistic in all senses of the phrase; upon the very sight of him, an urge had compelled her to take him in. Between his arms, she smelled must and sweat and grime and conflict and him. Though jaded, Iain's green eyes sparkled as he appraised her.

'Lily.' He just said, repeating himself once. 'Lily.'

'Hello, stranger.' She whispered, a smile twitching at the corners of her mouth. 'It's been a while.'

'You have no idea...' He begun, but he'd pulled her in for another embrace, just as fiercely as the last one. Though muffled, she was almost sure of the last few words that followed. She had missed him too, in greater capacities than she could ever have imagined, but she didn't care to verbalise it. He probably already knew.

'Let's go home.' She whispered. 'We have some catching up to do.'

-x-

'So, what was the most memorable part?' Lily placed a mug of steaming cocoa in his hands. Taking it gratefully between his grubby hands, he peered once into the murky liquid before taking a little sip.

'Well, what folk usually go to war for. Team spirit, protecting others. Making a difference on a grand scale. Where we can, of course.' He looked a little forlorn, perhaps thoughtful.

She gave a little frown, joining him on the sofa. 'Nothing more specific?'

'Uh, well. No.' He gave a little shake of the head, almost as if dazed. 'It was an experience, isn't everything in life?'

'Certainly. Speaking of experiences, I was looking forward to telling you that Gem has secured a job.'

'Gem?' His forehead crinkled.

'Yes, your little sister. She has a job as a carer. Isn't that great news?'

He exhaled through pursed lips. 'I suppose it is, yeah. Have you seen her then?'

Lily nodded. 'Many a time. I wanted to, and she was released from the offenders' institution.'

'Good, good. Thanks for doing that, Lily. I should've been here to oversee it.'

'No, you were more than busy. She gets that. That's why in your absence, I thought she might benefit from my guidance.'

'Nice of you, you didn't have to.' He said.

'I know. I wanted to. We can go and see her soon. She has no idea that you're not staying the full eighteen months, I haven't contacted her to tell her yet. It will be a lovely surprise, I'm sure. I'm sure we could go next week if you're up to it.' She gave a little nod, lost in thought herself. They fell quiet, and Lily suddenly remembered about the marshmallows.

'Voila.' She tugged out the plastic wrapper from under the cushion.

He smiled. 'Thought you hated these.'

'I warmed to them after you left.' She replied.

He looked crestfallen. 'I-I've missed so much.'

'It's only marshmallows.' She nudged him, starting to feel an ache rising in her chest. 'Come on, have one. The pink ones are for you. I don't like them.'

He took one, squeezing it lightly between forefinger and thumb. 'They taste exactly the same.'

'I'd like to disagree. These ones seem more... vanilla-y.'

'Yeah?'

'Yeah.'

There was another pause. Her words lingered in the air, staling. Glancing at him, she saw that the marshmallow was still poised between his fingers. 'The world according to Lily Chao.' He gave a weak smile. 'Another thing I'm glad to hear, dare I say it.'

She giggled lightly, head lolling against his shoulder before growing emotional again. 'Oh, Iain.'

In response to this, he turned his head and gently placed his lips to her temple. Only a grazing touch, yet she gave to it, moving closer against him.

Her eyes glistened. 'But, you're here now. You're back. That's all that matters.'


	2. chapter 2

She rolled on to her front, glancing at him from the corner of her eye. Birds were now tweeting, and one thing was certain - minutes had melted into hours.

'Didn't do _much_ for the exhaustion.' She yawned, running a hand down her face.

'Well, I now have gained energy in other ways.' He countered, reaching out and twining their fingers together. His lips hovered over her collarbone, almost testing. 'I'd take this over sleep any day.'

For a few seconds, she allowed him, before gently pushing him away. 'You need sleep.'

'Alright, but I can't now.' He replied. 'What is it, 8am?'

'Probably. You could try and get a couple of hours.' She gently leaned to check her watch. '7:38, to be precise.'

'Nah, I'll be fine.' He dismissed her.

'Iain...' She begun, fatigued herself.

Giving a short laugh, he faced her again. 'I said I'll be fine. I'm used to it.'

'That doesn't mean you have to continue on this way.' She frowned.

Another pause. 'Don't worry, honestly. Just happy to be back and to have you back, that's enough.'

She gave him a dubious look, but decided not to push it further. 'Are you hungry? Shall I make breakfast?'

'No no-' He stretched with a yawn. 'I couldn't eat.'

'But you've not eaten anything except a couple of those sweets last night.' She pointed out.

He was silent. 'I ate on the plane, good service actually.'

'Nobody likes plane food.' She replied before she could help herself, and then watched his face transform, almost defensive.

'I said I was fine, why don't you believe me?'

'I'm just offering, Iain.' She replied quietly. 'Let me make the spaghetti hoops. They need using up, anyway.'

'They're tinned.' He recognised idly, giving her an almost scathing look. 'They won't be out of date for years.'

Beginning to lose patience, Lily had to breathe deeply as to avoid saying something she would go on to regret.

'Sure. I'll be two minutes.'

-x-

Although he was reluctant, he still took the bowl that she presented him with.

After one pitiful spoonful, he dropped his spoon with a clatter against the porcelain. 'Not hungry.' He muttered.

She pursed her lips before picking up the spoon for him, steadily lifting it to his mouth.

'Really Lily, I said I'm not hungry!' He dropped it for the second time, unsuccessfully albeit, as flecks of orange spattered up the cream lace of her vest.

He froze, unmoving, eyes fixed on the stain.

'It's alright, it's fine.' She was instant in her reassurance, despite the situation.

He cleared his throat. 'It's not fine.'

'It is, not to worry. I was going to take this one to the charity shop anyway, it's old.'

'I've never seen it before.' He said.

'I got it after you left. I didn't mean it's old, I-' She stopped abruptly, realising with regret that she was only making things worse. 'I can take them away if you're sure you don't want them.'

Her own stomach lurched, hoping he would change his mind. Instead, he gave her a grateful smile. 'If you don't mind.'

She nodded slightly too vigorously, jumping off the mattress with bowl in hand.

As she got to the kitchen, she glanced down at the contents of it and sighed. The sauce had congealed; it didn't look too appetising anyway. Tipping them into the bin, she managed to heave herself back to his room. By this point, her own knees felt to be buckling with the weight of her body, they too bitterly tired. How could she possibly sleep while he was so determined not to? She couldn't.

Upon her arrival, he was waiting.

'Sorry about that. Listen, are you working today?' He asked.

'Took the day off, better things to be doing than spending my hours in a hospital.' She smiled.

'Ah, right.' He said.

'Why, are you asking for any particular reason?' She asked, wriggling out of the stained garment.

'No, no. Just thinking if you're free, we could spend the day right here.' He suggested, a hint of flirtatiousness in his voice.

Lily was glad her back was turned, as it made it certain he couldn't see the pink that had spread across her cheeks. She wasn't used to anyone talking like that. Discounting the antics of the night, everything seemed so fresh and new. It had been months since anything remotely suggestive had been said to her. It was intimidating as much as it was refreshing. And, above all, it still wouldn't distract her from the niggling worries in the back of her mind. He needed to eat. He needed to sleep. The attention was flattering, but the burning urge to follow her morals prevailed.

'Are you sure that's the best idea?' She asked.

'Come on, it's been months as you said...' He wheedled.

'I know what I said-' She firmly pulled the new top over her head.

'Well then come on! If you want this, why are you holding yourself back?'

Tumbling on to the bed beside him, she gave a sigh. 'Okay, I surrender. I'm just a bit concerned. I am allowed to be, right?'

He kissed her. 'You have no need to be. Now. I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I reckon you've already tired yourself out more.'

'What?' She asked, confused.

He lifted the top back over her head clumsily. 'You wasted energy you don't have, for starters.' Iain raised an eyebrow, looking to the top before tossing it aside.

'Well, I wasn't going to give in.' She raised an eyebrow back, purposefully teasing. Truthfully, it was so easy to give in. After all, she had missed him.

'And what made you?' He asked, tracing his finger along her neck.

'Clearly I am less inflexible than one would first think.' She tilted her head to the side.

'Hmm... not so sure about that.' He replied.

'Hey!' She giggled, relaxing slightly.

'Maybe it's just me you can't resist.' He pressed his lips back against hers again. Between kisses, she managed to reply. 'Maybe.'

 **Guest: Firstly, thank you! This has made my day - that is so kind. Readers like you motivate me to keep writing. Big plans for this story and hopefully updates will be more consistent x**

 **Giatrix: Hello, thanks lovely. Such nice comments mean the world to me. I too like Simon Armitage's works, this poem in particular is one I am studying. I figured because of this, it would be fitting to try and incorporate it into a story! Maybe that way I'll get some work done, haha. Stay tuned and updates will follow soon fingers crossed x**

 **ReadingxTherapy: Hey, thanks for reviewing. I appreciate you saying that because I wasn't sure if I could tackle it sensitively/how people would feel about a story about it. Your kind words have made me really happy, hope you enjoyed this update! Let me know if you have any ideas for chapters etc, would always be happy to hear from you x**


	3. chapter 3

_An explosion. Men screaming, floundering, noise drowning everything else out. Suddenly he was back in the war zone with a gun in his hand and a woman in front of him, covered in blood. The heat was stifling, dry, choking air. Worst of all, the haze. Smothering plumes of grey and brown, shrouding the field of vision for miles ahead. More screaming._

Lily was wrenched out of her slumber, sick with panic at a sound alien to her. Upon turning the lamp on, she discovered he was still asleep. Yet, it was continuing. The noise was continuing. The worst sound, the sound of distress and torment.

'Iain!' She hissed, shaking his shoulder slightly too forcefully. 'Iain, wake up.'

His eyes bolted open, a thin film of perspiration covering his forehead. 'What happened?' He managed to choke.

'You tell me.' She found his hand underneath the sea of covers, and he squeezed back tightly. 'All this about not much to recount. Talk to me.'

Pressed up closely against him, she felt the hard swallow. 'You're okay, I'm here.' She whispered, all the while thinking to herself how silly she sounded. Being smaller than him and having no experience in war whatsoever, she reasoned she wasn't going to be much in the way of comfort.

Iain didn't acknowledge her presence, but he seemed to be calming.

Without much thought, she leaned to turn on the lamp. A mistake.

'Don't, don't-' He mumbled, reaching back over her to try and turn it off.

She froze a second, finger hovering over the switch. He didn't try to prise her hand away, but instead froze himself. After surveying his features, seeing the extent of the swelling of his eyes and face, she flicked it off herself.

'Better?' She asked quietly, soothing circles on the plane of his chest with the heel of her hand.

The worst kind of choking sound reached her ears; it was almost as if the pain had lodged and tied knots in itself. 'Oh, Iain.' She felt reduced to tears herself, bitterly helpless. 'Tell me, what can I do?'

Taking a shaky breath in, he replied in a heavy tone. 'Nothing. I didn't mean to wake you.'

'I'm glad you did. Do you want to talk about it?' She asked.

A pause. 'No, there's nothing to- you wouldn't-'

'Try me.' She said patiently. 'You might be surprised.'

'It just feels like I've not come away at all sometimes. I mix the feelings of being there, and then there's you, and-' He spoke in broken sentences, though they might as well have been riddles. Determined as she was, she couldn't decipher the meaning.

Instead, she chose to question him once more. 'And that made you upset?'

'I'd tell you, but you wouldn't be with it. It would conjure up a complete different image in your head. Also, having it with you is one thing, but giving it to another person would be unimaginable.'

'I'm not asking you to relay every small detail. I'm tougher than I look.' She told him.

Next to her, she could almost feel the hesitation radiating off him. He was close. Then, after seconds had passed by, he finally spoke. 'Come here.'

With little effort, he'd pulled her onto his chest. Straight away, it sat wrong with her. He was hurting, and she was meant to be comforting him, not the other way round. It felt odd and awkward and emotionless, a disguise to mask the pain he needed to let out.

'I don't understand,' She begun quietly, trying to sit up.

'Shh, let's just try and go back to sleep.' His hand was heavy on the small of her back.

Indignant, Lily stretched back over to turn the lamp back on, fumbling around. This time, and quickly, he moved his spare arm so that her access to the wall was blocked.

'Move your arm.' She said, voice highly strung with tears of her own.

'No, I don't want that on.' He replied.

' _Stop_ this, we need to talk-' She used both arms in an effort to budge his, but it remained sturdy, unmoving. Giving up with a gasp, she collapsed back down against his chest in defeat. 'Iain, stop this!'

Blinking back the tears, she felt his hand readjust itself on her back. Numb through the confusion of his actions not marrying up to his words, she managed to speak again. 'This is odd behaviour!'

'I am exhausted. I don't want to talk.' He replied gruffly.

'You were going to talk, and then you-'

'I changed my mind, that's allowed. I'll repeat myself - I don't want to have any type of conversation.'

Feeling offended, she gave an eventual shake of the head. Not that he'd see. He was quiet himself, but even if it had been opportune to speak, the new Iain wouldn't have done. The dark suddenly felt consuming, much more obvious than it had been before. She wondered if he was thinking the same, or if he was thinking differently. She wondered if, beneath her, he was even thinking at all.

At long last, she let go of the breath she held.

'Maybe _I_ do! We haven't spoken in nearly nine months, not properly. I've spent a week pandering to you and your needs, tiptoeing round. When I say sleep, you don't, when I say talk, you don't. I-it's as if you're determined not to listen to me! I want some answers. And, if you're honest, you want them too.'

'That's enough.' He replied evenly, no hint of emotion in his voice. 'I want to sleep.'

Exhausted, and still lying on his chest, all Lily could do was hold back a sob. 'Fine. You can't hide away in the dark forever.'

 **Guest: Thank you! I'd written the first two together and wanted to post. I have a week off so hopefully will be able to get some writing done. To write one of these normally takes in excess of an hour, so as you've said, reviews really do go a long way in motivating me! Thanks again for the continued support, if ever you have any ideas please do fire them my way. X**

 **ReadingxTherapy: Ooh that's lovely! I do try to incorporate as much emotion into them as I can, hence why updates can be slow. Means lots that you're enjoying as always, hope you liked this one. X**

 **Big plans for this one and it's an idea I feel I can take forward with ease - there's lots to explore so if anyone has any suggestions do post below. Please review if you've read everyone and let me know what you think :-)**


	4. chapter 4

'What do we have, please?' Lily asserted herself confidently, walking over to the wheelchair being pushed in by the paramedics.

'Chris Adams, thirty s-'

'Dr Chao, with me.' Mrs Beauchamp said coolly. 'Dr Hardy will take over.'

As Ethan brushed her aside with a small smile, Lily followed the clinical lead into this office.

'Take a seat.' Mrs Beauchamp gestured. 'Help yourself to the biscuits, they're in a tin on the side.'

The biscuit tin. Paint was flaking off what was once a floral design. Instead of giving it a vintage feel, it just made it look tired. When she first got the job, she had taken a biscuit out the tin. When her father died, she had taken a biscuit out the tin. It was notoriously offered to staff who were either having a hard time, or about to receive bad news. Or as Lily surmised, in her case, both.

As Connie sifted through paperwork at the cabinet, Lily opted for the least suspicious choice - a custard cream. She hoped the discolouration was part of the biscuit, rather than a sign of ageing well past its use by date.

She nibbled on it politely, while Connie sat down opposite her.

'Now, I won't worry you. Everything's fine. Well, concerning your work, anyway.' She steepled her hands as she addressed her.

'However, I have a few questions for you and I was hoping we could talk them through informally.'

Lily nearly choked on the crumbs, beginning to splutter desperately. A plastic cup of water was passed in her direction. All the while, a wry smile played about the clinical lead's lips. Amusement, though the reason why was at first unclear.

'What exactly were you ill with last week? It's just, you look fine except for the dark shadows.' Immediately, Lily understood. She was on to her, plain and simple. She squirmed in her chair, uncomfortable. 'He's back, isn't he? Iain?' Connie asked, in tune to a fault.

'Yeah. Anything else a giveaway besides the bags under my eyes?' She sighed.

'No, no, don't worry.' Connie answered. 'I just had an inkling and wanted to check you - and he too - are both alright.'

Lily's eyes dropped. 'Yeah. Well, as fine as you could hope for him to be. I think it's going to take some adjusting.'

'Oh, it's bound to. For you and for him. I just noticed you looking a bit down earlier.'

'Tired.' Lily corrected. 'I've just not slept much. It's so great to have him back.'

'I'm glad, I'm glad. I felt that way about Grace when Sam brought her back from America. Although, granted, two totally different situations. Sam liked to play silly games with me to get a reaction. That's enough about that, though. I'm oversharing and rambling. Shut up Connie, save it for the family counselling session.'

Lily giggled lightly, nervous. 'A real conversation doesn't go amiss, trust me.'

Sharp as ever, Connie's forehead creased. 'Meaning?'

Realising what she'd said, Lily's eyes widened. 'No, no. I just meant that it's nice to talk to a-a fellow medical professional in a department so busy and full of patients.'

She tilted her head to the side, analytical. 'Right...'

'As I say, I am overdue a nap. Thanks for the concern, I'll pass on your best wishes to Iain.'

A pause. 'Oh, he should come in.'

Lily gave a nervous laugh. 'He's a bit antisocial at the moment.'

'Really?' Connie frowned again.

'Yes. Was there anything else, or?' Lily begun to get visibly flustered.

'I was wondering if he'd like his job back. He was - _is_ \- a great paramedic, and we need all the help we can get. As such a good team player now without a job, I'd hate not to offer it to him again.'

'I will ask him.' Lily nodded, already making her way to the door. Ironically, the way in which Mrs Beauchamp accidentally used past tense was all too accurate. Even if he got his job back, he would be a different colleague completely. Of course he would be. He was already changed, and it scared her to think of what she hadn't yet seen.

Noticing Lily had glazed over, Mrs Beauchamp spoke again. 'Don't worry, I'll call him. Same number, right?' She asked, beginning to scribble down something on paper, glancing at the monitor every now and then.

'Same number, um, no. I mean yes. I- yes, it's the same number.'

She stared long and hard at Lily. 'Good. Let him know I'll call later on.'

'Okay, thank you Mrs Beauchamp.'

'That's no problem. Oh, and Lily?' Connie called, waiting until she turned round fully. 'You know where I am should you need anything.'

'Yes.' She replied solemnly, leaving without a backward glance.

Lily couldn't get away fast enough. Her body moved two times as fast as her high heels would allow, and they scraped desperately against the laminate floor to keep up. He wouldn't be up for a call. He wouldn't be up for anything. He'd be furious at her for allowing it to happen.

'Lily, can you assist me with these-' Ethan begun, sidling up to her with the ward's iPad.

'Not right now, I'm sorry.' She dismissed him, quickly turning the corner. Not put off, he followed her.

'Uh, are you alright? What was it Mrs Beauchamp wanted, if you don't mind me asking?' Still refusing to make eye contact, she hurried faster down the corridor. As she left the hospital, a bewildered Ethan was left standing a few metres behind the automatic doors. 'Text me!' He called weakly.

Deep down, she felt guilty. He was her friend, he wanted to ask her opinion and the only thing he'd done wrong was show a tiny bit of concern in her direction. Concern from everyone, and she was sick of it. She had one purpose, and it was to get back to the flat before Mrs Beauchamp found opportunity to ring Iain.


End file.
